Why Do I Feel Different From Everyone?

Feeling different can be incredibly challenging at times. While being different is what makes you, you, that thought doesn’t always make it any easier, especially when you feel that are many moments of feeling outside of a group, alone, or unable to share your true-self.

If You have Always Felt a Bit Out of Step — You are Not Alone

These moments are often accompanied by the thought:

‘I feel different from everyone, why don’t I fit in?’

Does that thought feel familiar to you? For many of you reading this, I imagine it does. For those who don’t identify with this thought, then try to think what thought does come up when you feel different from others.

This thought is an unfortunately a very strong thought, and even if you have a supportive family, friends, and possible relationships, words from then often only put this thought on mute, not eliminate entirely. 

What Feeling “Different” Can Actually Mean

So, to explore this thought, I ask a question. What does ‘feeling different’ actually mean? This can have a wide variety of different definitions.

For some, you might feel as if you think differently and make different choices than others. For some, you might think that our feelings are bigger than those around you.  For others, you might feel more introverted than people in your class, or quieter than people your age. You also may feel a bit different when dealing with loud noises, distracting smells, and sensory overload.

For the reader, what does feeling different mean to you? It may be one written above, or maybe something less clear.

Sometimes There is a Hidden Reason

Sometimes, there may be a hidden reason. Moreso this ‘hidden reason’ may be something even hidden to you. As you grow older, life gets more complicated. There are more demands on you as an independent human. What this means is that neurodivergence and alternative thinking styles became more apparent, and possibly more impactful in your life.

For example, as a young person, you may have found making friends easy. You shared something that you enjoyed with others, and you loved to talk about this interest. As this friendship has continued, while your love and passion for this hobby or topic has continued to burn red hot, maybe theirs has changed into something new. Now, when you spend time talking, it’s harder to keep up, and you might not feel you get enough time to talk about the things you care about.

Another example may be in class. Many young people start to see their friends and peers find increasing homework and assignments easy, and you may struggle to sit down and get started. You also might find it hard to keep up in reading, or writing, and begin to feel like a different learner than you once were.

The Role of Masking (And Why It’s So Exhausting)

When these things happen, many people often slip into what is called ‘masking’. Masking is the idea that somebody may consciously – or unconsciously – try to suppress or hide natural behaviours, emotions, and neurodivergent traits. This may be to avoid stigma, hide what you see as ‘different’ from others, or avoid rejection from peers.

Some examples of masking may be purposefully keeping still when you might feel the need to touch or play with a sensory/fidget toy. It might be avoiding sharing your true passion for a topic, because you think it may be annoying. It can also be as simple as maintaining eye contact even when uncomfortable, because that’s what you’ve been told is the right thing to do.

Whatever the reason may be for masking, it often leads to some serious side effects for your mental health. Many people that consciously or subconsciously may mask feel as if they lose a bit of their identity, or it may make them even more anxious and worried about ‘letting the mask slip’. Most of all, masking is exhausting and can lead to incredible burnout! Imagine how tired you might be if you spend all day acting and putting on a performance, ignoring your natural instincts, and trying to only make others comfortable.

Signs Your System Might Be Working Overtime

Because masking can be hard to identify, often we want to look at some signs your body, brain, and behaviour are displaying. Some of these signs that are related to masking behaviours include:

·       Having uncontrollable emotions suddenly emerge

·       Requiring lot of alone time

·       Feel exhausted even if you’re healthy and sleeping well

·       Worrying that people don’t know the ‘real you’

·       Avoiding social events

·       Feeling misunderstood

What Actually Helps (That Isn’t “Just Try Harder”)

When avoiding burnout, the solution isn’t to ‘work harder’. That will only lead to greater burnout, and if you are masking then you’re already working on overtime. Here are some practical tips to help you if you feel different or find yourself masking:

·       Ask yourself why you are suppressing parts of yourself. Is this for your comfortability, or for the people around you?

·       Start experimenting with not masking around close trusted people. Observe how they react or respond to you.

·       Set boundaries for social situations. Maybe you may need to spend a shorter amount of time with people that you don’t know as well. Maybe you step back from friendships where you aren’t allowed to show your true self.

·       Invest in fidget or sensory toys, and let yourself engage with them when you feel the urge.

When It Might Help to Talk to Someone

Another option may be speaking to a professional. Not everyone who masks or feels different may need or benefit to speak to a professional, but therapy can have wide-reaching impacts. The role of psychologists and counsellors are larger than what you may expect, and you don’t have to be depressed to see benefits. 

A professional can help you identify your patterns and masking behaviours, be a support when feeling different causes strong emotions, and affirm you difficult experiences. Additionally, a professional may be able to complete an assessment and provide you with some answers as to what your hidden reason may be.

If You Feel Different, You’re Not Broken

A 2020 study predicts that 15-20% of adults are neurodivergent worldwide and as you may know neurodivergence is a brain style that exists from childhood. That means that you will have met many, many, many people who are neurodivergent in your life. While you could be aware of some people who are, I can promise you that there are people in your life who may not even know this themselves.

Being different is normal, and nobody is the same and at the end of the day, the person that you should want to connect most with is yourself. Your differences make you your own person and gives you your strengths. Understanding yourself is the way to begin to make use of and take advantage of your unique self.

Helpful Resources (If You Want to Learn More)

If you would like to know more, or if you may need someone to talk to about these challenges, see below some great informative and/or supportive links below:

·       ‘Different, Not Less’ by Chloe Hayden is an amazing book written by someone with lived experience of neurodivergence, and how to celebrate and support yourself and others.

·       Raising Children Network, although focused on supporting parents and families, provides some great resources to learn more about neurodivergence and mental health.

·       Kids Helpline is a free resource and counselling service that focuses on providing empowerment, supporting people experiencing difficult challenges, and informing you about targeted resources for what you may need. Kids Helpline caters to people aged 5-25.

·       Beyond blue is a 24/7 support service for people experiencing depression, anxiety, or suicidal ideation.